The Mummy June o9, 2o17

The Mummy

Yes, I’m a stubborn idiot, a contrary. When people tell me something, when they make some sort of arguable statement about anything, I always feel obligated to defend the opposite opinion. My friends have diagnosed this inability to agree with anything they say as being a hypersensitive manifestation of the not uncommon American disease: Assholitis. I prefer to think of myself as more of a freethinker than an A-hole, an individual, a man who does not follow the herd, and not a diseased riddled cranky old gasser. So, when I heard all the disparaging words from my friends about the movie, The Mummy (2017), I, of course, had to go and see for myself. I mean, I saw all the trailers for it, and the trailers (there were a lot of them for a very long time, I think) where exciting, full of action. It seemed like watching The Mummy would a nice way to pass a warm, spring afternoon in Norman, Oklahoma. But none of my friends or relatives was of the same opinion. NO ONE would go with me, and since I don’t drive and the weather was too hot for me to tootle my bike 4.5 miles to the local theatre, I was stuck. No Mummy for me. Fortunately, my friend, David, saw the forlorn look on my wrinkled face, that desperate sadness I exude whenever I don't get my way. He offered to take me to see The Mummy, BUT he wouldn’t watch it because he doesn’t like Tom Cruise. So, he dropped me at the Regal 14 and he drove off to get his car serviced. AND I got a ticket, walked into the already dark theatre because the movie was starting, grabbed a seat and . . . had a hell of a good time.

So, I’m sorry my friends, but my Assholitis is still running its course through my crumbling body, and I'm telling you that The Mummy is a damn good action/horror film. Yes, it is more Mission Impossible than it is The Mummy’s Hand (1940), but it still contains that old Universal Studios' popcorn movie magic. And yes, there’s no slow movin’,  mummified Kharis sneaking up on people and politely chocking them to death, oh hell no! The new and improved mummy is an ass-kicking, murdering, energy stealing (sucks the “life force" out of any man who gets close enough to her mummy mouth!), psychopathic witch-mummy played with excruciating evilness by the lovely and wickedly talented Sofia Boutella.

And the special effects and action sequences? Forget about it! Some of the best action scenes ever filmed. The plane crash scene (which was mostly filmed using the plane that astronauts use for zero gravity training) was spine rattling! CGI use was brilliantly blended with life action . . . almost flawless. There’s a scene where Mummy attacks Cruise’s character (Nick Morton) with a ton of nasty black rats that swarm all offer him; it gave me the hibbie-jibbies and I don’t hibbie- jibbies that easily. And there’s nothing nastier than watching Mummy suck the life out of the guys who get in her way. I’ll never French kiss again!

Sure, there are a few glitches. Cruse’s Nick Morton character is a fast talking, cowardly klutz that sort of reminded me of a very muscular Lou Costello. The character is really affective as a morally corrupt, spineless dope that just finds himself in a mess in which he has to be the hero. And Cruise doesn’t always get the comic timing right but it’s a minor enough fault that it doesn’t slow down the overall great acting job he’s doing. And the scenes which feature Russel Crowe as Dr. Henry Jekyll, the leader of a secret government organization that it is bent on destroying all monsters and humans that get in his way,  just seems thrown in there for no real reason other than to maybe tie this movie to future Dark Universe movies. And Crowe seems to be only going through the actor motions like he was sitting in some bar when all of a sudden some casting director came up and said, “Want to be in a movie? RIGHT NOW!” The secret society thing just doesn’t feel right within the context of the rest of this flick.

So, I know, no matter what I say most of you are still gonna think The Mummy (2017) is an awful movie and there is no way in hell you’re going to go see it. And you may well be right. It’s possible that I “wanted” to like this movie only because everybody says “It’s horrible! It’s got Tom Cruise in it.”

Wonder Woman June o2, 2017

The most exciting thing about the Wonder Woman movie is all the pseudo controversy stirred up when  the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema  decided to have a “Women Only” opening night showing of the film. The movie itself, well, it’s not the worst superhero flick ever made, but it’s definitely not the best. It’s just . . . sort of okay. I know, I’m going to be in a lot of trouble with my friends over this, but just because the producers of Wonder Woman (2017) want to advertise it as a “breakthrough” for women’s rights in the film industry . . . it really doesn’t even discuss women’s issues except for making a few comments about a “woman’s place” in English society during WWI.

The best part of Wonder Woman happens in the very beginning scenes with a very young Diana running through the streets of the mythical city-state, Themyscira, the capital of the Amazon peoples’ government. She’s stops at the top of a hilltop and looks down on a pristine beach where the great Amazon Warriors sharpen their fight skills. Diana wants nothing more than to become an Amazon Warrior but her mother, Queen Hippolyta, tries to keep her away from becoming a warrior because Diana is just too young. However, young Diana will not be denied her rightful place as a warrior, and with the help of her aunt, General  Antiope, she trains in secret the sacred skills of the Amazonian fighter. And what a warrior she becomes! And then . . . Well, this is where the movie veers off course and becomes just another action packed, CGI infested comic book movie.

The Horrors of War

It’s not that this movie doesn’t try to mean something, it just doesn’t do it well ,depending on rather cartoonish CGI gunfire and explosions and a slight tip of the hat to The Horrors of War. There’s a scene where Wonder Woman and her band of hero-outlaws head for the “front lines” of WWI. On their way they run into a group of wounded soldiers heading towards the field hospitals . . . and Wonder Woman's shocked and sadden to see the carnage left behind by human warfare. At the front lines, Wonder Woman sees a crying woman holding her child and the woman tells WoWo how the Germans have stolen ALL their food, and Wonder Woman has a Popeye moment, “That’s all I can stands ‘cause I can’t stands no more!” and she runs into no man’s land and takes out a machine gun nest (single handedly) and moves on to Amazonian ass-kick every German soldier she can find.

If you want to make a statement about the horrors of war you must create scenes that not only force the Wonder Woman character into taking action.  The scenes also must move the audience. There are many, many movies, Saving Private Ryan ( 998), Hacksaw Ridge (2016) and even Captain America: Civil War (2026) show extremely moving, unique  images that depict The Horrors of War. Unfortunately, Wonder Woman doesn’t.

Love is Never Having to Apologize for Blowing Yourself Up

Today, my friend told me that the reason I don’t get the love connection between Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor is that, “You don’t understand love, and you don’t understand woman.” Well, I can’t fault her for that. I sure don’t know nothing about love or women. However, when we saw the scene where Trevor proclaims his love for Wonder Woman and then goes off in a plane full of poison gas and in midair blows himself AND the plane up, my friend and I wondering where the hell did that come from? I mean, yeah, Steve and WW flirted with each other but where the hell did that love all of a sudden come from? There was absolutely no “love connection” between the characters. I never saw it. My friend never saw it. All this lovey dovey stuff was created out of nothing to supply a ‘'good reason” for Steve to commit suicide. And hey, no better reason than love to off yourself, right? 

So,Yes. Wonder Woman is an “important film” that finally gets us away from the male superhero image and finally gives a woman the lead role in a major superhero movie. And yes, It is a big movie for DC Comics, and I wish them all the success in the world. However, as iconic as the Wonder Woman movie might be, it’s still a flawed and only a slightly above average superhero movie.

Guardians Of the Galaxy VOL. 2 May 5, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy VOL 2

So, here’s my pet pisser: Star Trek Beyond (2016), The Fate of the Furious (2017) and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 play around with the meaning of the  word “family” but never really explore the concept of family. Why? I mean, why just pay lip service to it if you’re really not going to do some extra, super-duper deep soul searching and exploration as to what the hell having a family really, really means in human terms? Granted, Guardians Vol. 2 does take it farther than Beyond or “Fate of the Furious”  but it still seemed a bit surface to me, more a shallow attempt at a plot device than an honest exploration of what I always have heard is a human necessity, the family.

Having got that out of my system, I gotta say Guardian is an eye popping, ear blasting megaton bomb of fun!  Yeah, it’s silly, it’s stupid, it has the emotional and intellectual depth of a teaspoon of water but it is . . . FUN! How do I describe the sensory, mind blowing world of GG Vol. 2? I know. It would be like you took a hit of Windowpane (if you don’t know what Windowpane is, you’re too young to read this review.), jumped into a time machine to 1975 (or there about) and went to a full-tilt Disco party! Yeah that’s it!

Chris Pratt (Star-Lord) and Zoe Saldana (Gamora) are a solid good at portraying the mom and dad of this dysfunctional galactic family of misfits and outlaws. But the real “heroes” of this movie are the supporting characters. Dave Bautista as the socially inept Drax the Destroyer is wonderfully funny. Yeah, he’s totally someone you don’t want to invite to a party because he would insult everyone  . . . but it’s fun to watch him “accidently” destroy the self-esteem of everyone around him. Pom Klementieff  as Mantis, the snail girl with the ability to feel the emotions of other is both charming and creepy at the same time! But the real star of this amazing piece of cotton candy is “Baby” Groot (voice and motion capture performed by Vin Diesel). Dude, BG is one of the funniest, heartwarming characters to come around in a long time. And he really does capture our heart! We’re sad for him when he’s mistreated by the “adults,” and we genuinely fear for his wellbeing whenever he is put in harm’s way! Baby Groot rules.

Like Kong: Skull Island (2017), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is a great “popcorn” movie and is totally enjoyable. It’s so good that I didn’t really care if it had any intellectual meaning. And that, to me, really says something about this movie.

John Wick: Chapter 2 February 10, 2017

John Wick: Chapter 2

or

Shaken But Not Stirred

It’s difficult to write an objective review about a movie that’s a sequel to an iconic movie. And even more difficult (for the producers) is to make a sequel that can at least equal the original. The production team has to make a movie that stands on its own conceptually, but at the same time, throws a few bones to the fans of the first one by including elements from the first film. Unfortunately, John Wick: Chapter 2 doesn’t quite pull it off. Don’t get me wrong. JW:C2 is a good movie, but all the way through it I kept thinking, The first John Wick was better.

There are some well-crafted scenes in this film, but a lot of them don’t feel quite right. A few of the minor characters are a little flat like they were added to the world of Wick as an afterthought.  That was one of the magical things about the original JW. ALL the minor characters from Charlie the Cleaner to Francis the Doorman seemed to be three dimensional, human beings. Sure, they didn’t have all that much screen time, but the characters felt right as if they had a life that extended beyond the scenes they were in. However, in JW:C2, the gun shop owner and the Italian tailor character just seemed out of place like the characters were written right before the director shot the scene. All the minor characters felt more like caricature rip-offs from the glamorous world of James Bond and not the earthy, fully realized characters that populate the seedy, underworld of John Wick.

And the fight scenes that were spectacular, extremely well crafted to fit the environment in which they were being fought in JW1, looking more like extended games of WAC-A-MOLE. The Catacombs of Rome scene where John Wick battles a billion bad guys (it seemed like a billion), was nothing more than a first-person shooter game with the “bad guys” lining up and strolling through the combs just for the pleasure of being shot to death by the title character.

And the bad guys? Here’s the thing. In the first movie ALL the bad guys who fought with John Wick seemed to be good at killing other people; John Wick was just way, way better. In JW:2 the bad guys seemed to be unqualified. After watching bad guy after bad guy run into an open area and get shot down by John Wick,  I started to wonder how in the hell did they get their bad guy jobs? They sure as hell don’t know what they’re doing. I mean, come on! In one of the final shootouts, a tweet-bounty is put on Johnny boy’s head (Hey, didn’t they do something like that in the first one?), and every hit man on planet Wick answers the call. Not one looked at the tweet and thought, “Are you crazy? You want me to go up against Baba Yaga, the guy you send to kill the fucking boogeyman; you want me to go up against him? No way, José Ferrer!"

There are a few sequels that in my mind equal or maybe even surpass the production quality of the original films: Aliens (1986), Godfather II (1974) and recently, The Lego Batman Movie (2017). No, I won’t argue about which was better than the original they were based on, but they all are at least as good as their original while being an “original” in their own right.

GRADE: 86 points out of 100 = 86% = B+

Suicide Squad August 5, 2016

"Yeah I am bothered about it, I think it sucks, obviously we worked hard and tried to give the fans what they wanted," Jay Hernandez - a.k.a. Diablo - tells Digital Spy. "It's weird that some of the criticism I heard was that it was 'too much like a comic book', in terms of you have these characters being objectified like Harley Quinn, there are just certain elements that are just part of being a comic book. If you're trying to portray that on a film, you have to stay true to that, because if you don't, the fans of the comics are going to be offended." He then went on to say that the critics can kiss his ass.

I feel Jay’s frustration with critics. I sure don’t like it when people get on me about my poetry, my acting, my art. I spend lots of time developing my skills for whichever artistic medium I’m working in and I’d like my endeavors to be appreciated and NOT bashed by some damn, dumb-ass critic who doesn’t know a damn thing about my chosen art form!

However,

There are a few points that Hernandez makes in his rant that might be the reasons why critics and fans aren’t “appreciating” this particular film.

1.  “. . . obviously we worked hard and tried to give the fans what they wanted . . .” well, there’s your first mistake. You can’t tell exactly what your audience wants because they don’t know, and there aren’t enough surveys, polls and pie charts in the universe that can tell you, “THIS is what the audience wants.”  Suicide Squad is chucked full of scenes we’ve already seen in other movies. Helicopter crashes, Katana sword fights and heroes in a battle for life against an army that out numbers them twenty (or more) to one— And while I’m thinking about it, what the hell is up with these omnipotent beings that create wimpy-ass armies to fight their battles? Enchantress is an all-powerful being, why she create a Burnt Marshmallow Army that Deadshot wipes out in seconds is a mystery to me! Okay, admittedly, the scene were Deadshot goes all John Wick on the BMA is really cool. However, the lead up to it was simply the same old same old.

2.  “. . . If you're trying to portray that (comic books) on a film, you have to stay true to that, because if you don't, the fans of the comics are going to be offended.” Listen, Fanboys/girls are going to be offended no matter what you put up on screen because you are messing with something dear to them. And—

Oops! Sorry. Anyway, the movie does have a lot of problems mainly due to trying to be too much “exactly” like the comic in structure. Your movie can’t be the comic book because  . . . IT’S a MOVIE! It’s a different medium. What works on the page does not necessarily work on screen. Granted, there are a lot of movies that have no respect for the original material and create a disrespectful mess by trying NOT to be the original, written material. But there are also many successful filmed versions of novels, comic books that are able to keep the spirit of the original piece of art and create something new and different. The Walking Dead TV show has even added at least one character, Daryl Dixon, who doesn’t exist in the original graphic novel. Game of Thrones has a heated battle going on between fans of the books and fans of the HBO series because the TV production varies a lot from the books. But arguably, the TV show is just as good as the original material.

So, Okay. Suicide Squad is pretty much a messed up child because his parents couldn’t decide how do bring him up right. However, what makes me a fan of this “hot mess” is the work of the actors. The characters are fascinating to me. Listen, any movie that has Viola Davis in it can’t be all bad. She is an actor’s actor, and her portrayal of a harder than hard-ass patriot rivals Samuel L.’s Nick Fury. And yeah, we all know that Will Smith loves to “standout” in a scene, but when he does it in this movie it is something special. And yeah, yeah, yeah, his acting in this flick is a lot like all his other movies where he has to play more “streetwise” than he really is, but there’s something special about a psychotic killer, Deadshot, who loves his daughter more than anything. The scene where Deadshot helps her with her geometry homework is . . . Priceless. For me, Margot Robbie’s naughty, sexy, sweetly sociopathic Harley Quinn is masterfully portrayed and— like my opinion or not— Jared Leto’s Joker as a new dimension to this beloved madman in clown white!

So, Suicide Squad isn’t, overall, the best comic book movie ever made but it’s a hell of a lot better (primarily because of the acting) than most critics and fans will admit.

MOVIE GRADE 70% = C-

OVERALL ACTING GRADE 89% = B+

Star Trek Beyond/Ghostbusters August o6, 2o16

"Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before . . ." but not in this movie.

Finally! A Star Trek movie that breaks with the traditional: a script has got to say something about the human condition! Yeah, baby! We ain’t interested in that crap! Let’s just get to the action! No, not just action but action that is filmed so poorly that it’s unwatchable—Seriously, the first battle sequence where the Enterprise is totally destroyed (AGAIN!) had so much shaky cam going on that it made me physically sick—or  so laughable—I mean what the hell was that with the motorcycle and the portable transporter bit? I thought I was watching a Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon— and what the hell is it with alien Kung Fu? How did Jaylah, the beautiful alien scavenger, learn to use fake Chinese martial arts? Did Einstein get it wrong? It’s not time that’s a constant in the universe, it’s badly executed Kung Fu? I’m being a bit too hateful here. I don’t know for a fact that it was “baldy executed” martial arts (or that Einstein actually believed that time was a universal constant)  because it was gorged with shaky cam shots, close ups, a frigging car load of jump cuts and so much clutter that   . . . I COULDN’T SEE IT! What the hell, man? What is it with you guys; can’t you film a descent fight scene? If you don’t have a clue how to shoot fight action, checkout John Wick (2014) or the beautiful crafted Haywire (2011) or if you want learn how to stage a BIG battle sequence, study the Game of Thrones episode: Battle of the Bastards.

So, do I not have anything good to say about this movie? Well, the tribute to Leonard Nimoy was first class. They were able to blend it into the so called “storyline” naturally, and it was the best, best part of the movie. And the bromance scenes between Spock and Bones were really hilarious and . . . NEW RULE . . . Simon Pegg needs to be in every movie . . . no seriously, every movie ever to be made.

Grade: 70% = C-

I know this is supposed to be a review about the movie Ghostbusters and not a critique on social norms and fan behavior, but with the most recent twitter attack directed at Leslie Jones (who portrays Patty Tolan in Ghostbusters) I can’t get on with the review until I’ve had my say. You folk who are shocked, dismayed and angered that anyone would dare remake a far too precious classic like Ghostbusters  . . . get over yourselves. It’s not like they burnt up every copy of the original Ghostbusters and said, “Thou shalt watch no other GBers but the one WE made in 2016!” You can still watch the original anytime you want. Hell, TCM has been showing the original and the sequel at least twice a day all last week.  What difference does it make if we get a remake? Nothing’s lost! The original is still the original. And also, what the hell is all these nastiness about the remake being an all women Ghostbusters? Again . . . so what? “Oh, but it’s so sacrilegious! Only GUYS can ghost bust!” YIKERS! What? Did we time warp back to the fifties? No, my brothers and whichever misguided females may be in this herd of haters, it’s the 21^st century and artists should be able to do whatever they think will work even if it is going against traditional type casting. It’s a new century my pretties, Time you all realized that. That doesn’t mean that you have to like what the studios put out there. No, you can raise artistic questions about the movie based on production quality the acting, the direction, script, etc., just don’t incite the villager to charge Frankenstein’s castle while yelling “KILL THE MONSTER!” when there is no monster to kill. And don’t give actors a hard time; don’t make your attack personal. There are quite a few times in my reviews when I “go off” on actors. But it’s based solely on their acting skill (or lack thereof) and not on what they look like, what gender they are, Their RACE?!  Seriously, are we still talking about RACE?! Okay, I know we are and I know that it is a touchy subject that our bastard American ancestors started way back . . . when they thought enslaving a people was a really cool economic idea. Yes, we still have a racial divide in this country . . . but we shouldn’t have one when it comes to acting because . . . Hamlet, Othello, Blanche Dubois  . . . these are literary characters. They don’t have a race because they are not real people. Actors, no matter what the Chevy commercial says, are real people and we should like them or not like them based on their skills as actors and nothing else. Anyway . . .

Ghostbusters (2016) is an extremely funny movie. I, my sister and the whole audience, (which included a bunch of little kids that really thought the fart humor was quite  . . . hilarious!) were cracking up.  And yes, Okay, I admit, we adults found the fart joke pretty funny also. For me, the funniest scene had the Ghostbusters interviewing the very sexy Kevin, played by Chris Hemsworth, for a receptionist job. The funny part is that Kevin is a total airheaded honey baby that can’t even answer a phone or take a message, but they hire him anyway because he is some sweet eye-candy. Yeah, the GUY is eye-candy! Get it?

The problem with Ghostbusters isn’t that it’s NOT funny because it is. It’s just funny in the wrong way. What? How can that be? Well, this Ghostbusters feels more like a series of unrelated SNL skits stitched together without any thought as to whether they relate to the main storyline, which involves busting ghosts! The movie isn’t titled, “Hey! There Are Not Enough Wonton In My Wonton Soup!” Yeah, the recurring wonton soup bit was funny, but how does it advance the story? For my sensibilities, humor in a movie is funnier when it relates to the story, when it is generated by the main actions of the characters. And speaking of character? Every character in this movie is a funny character. There is no “straight man” to bounce the comedy off of. Nothing is funny if everything, every moment is a punchline to a joke. Also, Ghostbusters lacks even a tiny bit of scary. The main antagonist, the “evil” dude who wants to bring forth a supernatural apocalypse is just way too goofy to be taken seriously.

Overall, it’s not a bad movie; it’s just not inspiring enough to give it more than one watch. And that’s a shame. You have these top of the heap comedians without a well-crafted storyline and funny lines that make no sense within the context of that storyline. So, who you gonna call? Ghost writers!

Grade: 76% = C+

Independence/Warcraft June, 2016

Independence day: Resurgence

To be totally honest with you, dear reader, I really, REALLY loved Independence Day: Resurgence the first time I saw it back in 1996. Yeah, you heard me right. The major problem with the script to Independence Day: Resurgence is that the production company didn’t bother writing a new script; they just used the original script and made a few awkward changes two it. Most of the scenes in this awful “sequel” were burgled from the original script. Yeah, sure, they made a few changes here and there, instead of the “good guys” flying an alien craft to the mother ship, they fly alien enhanced fighter jets to go and . . . piss on mama alien. Yep, flew all that way just to urinate on the alien spacecraft. THEN when aliens get all mad about it and destroy the alien enhanced fighter jets, our spaceship pissers commandeer THREE alien ships and the chase is on just like in the original.

One of the great things about the original was the sense of humor. And of course, this “sequel” has lots and lots of “funny” lines, lines so “funny” that I forgot to laugh. The humor in the original was organic. In Resurgence the jokes are forced onto the script, and most of them have actually nothing to do with the action. There are two characters (I junior fighter pilot and a computer guy of some kind) that appear in the middle of this battle between humans and alien bug-people to tell jokes. No, seriously, they have no reason to even be in this movie other than to come up with some witty little thing to say about what’s going on. And their witty little remarks are “not funny.

Warcraft

As we were leaving the theatre right after watching Warcraft, my friend Khoo said, “Well, the moviemakers had a real problem. They had to please two audiences, the movie goers and the gamers.” That pretty much hit on the head for me. This movie was more video game than it was a thought out movie. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing video games. But just sit and watch a video game it gets uninteresting to watch very fast. The script for Warcraft is bad; it’s just too thin. Feels more like the first draft and not a complete script and lacks detail. And the actors are really not up to the task. Except for Ben Foster, the entire “human” cast just doesn’t have the vocal chops for the period acting style suggested by the dialogue. The only thing of interest in this movie is the CGI and that’s not enough to sustain the audience’s attention.