Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows June o3, 2016

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

At ten years old, I was already the biggest horror/sci-fi movie freak I knew! One of my favorite flicks was the original The Fly (1958). It was all about this science guy who invented teleportation in his basement. One day he decides to take the trip from one of the basement teleporters to another teleporter one twenty feet away in the same room. And wouldn’t you know it, a damn fly inadvertently got in the teleporter with him; on their trip they swap some DNA and the scientist winds-up with a fly head and a fly arm! Eeeeew! Definitely scary. That movie stayed with me forever! Well, at least until twenty years later. So, I’m going to college, I’m living with this other drama geek, and guess what? The Fly comes on cable TV. I was so excited. I mean, I hadn’t seen it since that one time back in 1958. I told my roomie about it and he got excited too. We popped off some popcorn, grabbed a few beers, sit down on the couch, started watching The Fly and . . . damn, how disappointing. What an awful movie. I couldn’t understand why even at ten years old I could’ve been so off the mark. The movie wasn’t the horror masterpiece I had thought it was. The special effects were laughable and the acting was atrocious. I couldn’t believe how horrible this beloved movie of my youth turned out to be.

If I had seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows when I was ten years old, I might have really liked it. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it as a kid. I watched as an adult in the 21^st century, and let me tell you . . . it was awful. Don’t get me wrong, it was sort of okay. It was put out by Nickelodeon, and it did stay true to the idea of the comic book TMNT image, very flashy, VERY cartoonish, insipid dialogue, scary but not too scary. It was almost refreshing to see a movie that didn’t try to terrorize the audience but tried extremely hard to be funny and “kid friendly.” Yeah, it was almost refreshing but no cigar. I mean, it wasn’t even good sized cigarette butt of a movie.

The biggest problem with this particular movie was the very amateurish CGI. The movements of the Ninja Turtles were way too fast, too blurry to even see what the hell was going on! Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I’m old and my eyes aren’t what they use to be. Turtle-poo to that, buddy. It was just very bad CGI. From the very first scene where the Turtles free fall from the Chrysler Building, whooping it up as they plummet towards Madison Square Garden (to catch the Nicks), the action just stopped! Yeah, how can that be? Well, basically, you couldn’t see it. The Turtles are moving so fast that they’re just a globular blur! The movements are all mushed together. As I said, it was just really bad CGI. ALL the action scenes were so incoherent I fell asleep. No, seriously, I don’t sleep in movies. But the action sequences in this mess were so tedious and so long and so disconnected and so DAMN blurry, my eyes rebelled! “Screw it! We’re going to sleep.” My head almost beat me to death with its nodding off!

The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it did use the New York City environment really well. There were lots of great shots of the streets, the different areas of New York and the beautiful, iconic buildings and bridges. The opening shots of the skyline were breath taking. This production was able to capture the mystical, mysterious arura of NYC. But that was all it was capable of doing well.

The Nice Guys May 2o, 2o16

Abbott: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: Funny names?
Abbott: Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--
Costello: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St.

Louis team.

Abbott: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--
Costello: You know the fellows' names?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, then who's playing first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The fellow playin' first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first base.
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: Well, what are you askin' me for?

Who in his proper mind would ever think to blend elements of slapstick comedy, vaudeville and film noir all together into one movie AND then set that movie in the cocaine candy world of 70’s Los Angeles, AND on top of that, I mean, what director/writer with just a cat lick of sense would even imagine casting Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling as a classic comedy team?! Shane Black, you’re clinically insane.  A genius for sure, but you are totally mental.

The Nice Guys is a brilliant Comedy/Thriller/Action/ Film Noir Detective movie that doesn’t misstep in either script or acting. Seriously, I haven’t seen a 21^st century movie as of yet that can take iconic bits and pieces from popular movies from the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, sew them all together and create something that’s fresh and overall “entertaining.” Yes, I know, you’re checking the basement for seed pods because I never use the word entertaining . . . ever. But this movie is a rollercoaster ride of laughs, intrigue, chills and thrills! Hell, it’s just damn entertaining! Yes, it’s a story we’ve seen before, read before in many Raymond Chandler classic gumshoe novels or any  Mickey Spillane potboiler, but the creative filmmaker can figure out a way to take an old plot and twist it just enough to make something new, fresh and timely. He knows how to suck you into a scene by making it predictable in the beginning and then slapping a new spin on it. For example, his two main characters Holland and Jackson are pinned down in a house by a machine gun totting bad guy named John Boy (and if you don’t get the reference, stop reading this review. You are too young. This review is not for you). Jackson has lost his gun and asks Holland to toss him his and Holland does but with such force that the gun sails passed Jackson’s head and out the window. In the trailers for The Nice Guys they always show this bit from the movie and I can’t help but laugh at it no matter how many times I’ve seen it.

Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe are casted perfectly as a couple of wannabe gumshoes who are less Sam Spade and Mike Hammer as they are Abbott and Costello. I kid you not, these two playoff each other as well as any of the great comic couples in film history. Gosling in particular shows a mastery of the physical comedy that rivals the greats of silent film. Russell Crowes gives us the threatening thug character he created in L.A. Confidential but about sixty pounds heavier and a hell of lot more world weary. And all though the whole film belongs to Gosling and Crowe, Angourie Rice as Holly March, Holland March’s thirteen year old daughter, takes command of every scene she’s in. As a sort of cute Moe Howard type, she alone is able to control our beloved duo of bungling detectives to such a degree that they finally bring down the bad guys and save the day . . . almost.

There’s a lot of movies out there this summer that are packed with thrills and humor and action. But none of them are quite as clever and freaking funny as The Nice Guys. Hopefully, The Nice Guys will find a bigger audience than it appears to have right now and then maybe there’ll be a The Nice Guys 2. I’d definitely go see it.